While waiting for Nik to get in from the airport, I caught Die Another Day on cable. I hadn’t seen it in the theater and Bond seemed a fine way to kill a couple of hours. Turns out Die Another Day blows. Spoilers below if you haven’t seen it.

Top Five Points of Suckage

5. The theme is godawful. As the opening credits were rolling I wondered what talentless fuck had done the song. A few minutes later I had my answer: Madonna. Ugh, just terrible. Furthermore, Madonna shows up and “acts” in the movie and she’s terrible at that too. New rule for future Bond movies: no Ciccone.

4. The film is absurdly self-referential. It’s full of gags that reference the older Bond films, which is a mistake because it just reminds you how much better they were!

3. At the beginning of the flick, Bond is captured. OK, that happens sometimes, but of course the suave Bond always manages an escape toot sweet. This time, the North Koreans hold him for 14 months and torture him mercilessly. And he doesn’t escape, he’s released in a prisoner exchange. That, my friend, is not 007.

2. The villain has a satellite in the sky that can focus the light of the sun like a big frickin’ laser. His master plan? Destroy the minefields between North and South Korea so the northern army can pour south. What kind of master plan is that? If you’ve got a giant laser in the sky, start roasting Seoul (or better yet, Washington DC) until the world meets your insane demands! Don’t they teach these evil villains anything these days?

1. The tidal wave surfing sequence. ‘Nuff said.